Goodbye Days

When I'm asked how I'm doing on a day like today, which began by dropping off my better half at the airport for his return overseas, I'm not sure how to answer.
                                                       
                                                         "Fine. I'm fine."

                                                  (And, I also suck at poker.)

There is no way to explain how days like today fit in my brain. How I can have my life mostly back to normal for 2 weeks of R&R and then BAM! (Sorta but not really) unexpectedly, my love bubble is interrupted and I'm that lady at the airport with the two small crying children clinging to her legs while she tries to keep a brave face. I am aware that I did not just send my husband back to the front lines this morning. I know that because of my husband's MOS (job) that he's mostly safe in his day to day operations. However my heart is still a heart, and right now it's somewhere over the Atlantic.

To be fair, I have yet to experience a single emotion the Army didn't first warn me about. When we got married, I was given more pamphlets on "Being an Army Spouse" than I knew what to do with. I even read a few. But the problem with pamphlets is that they are as ineffective as this blog is at really translating feelings into print. You only know what it feels like if you've experienced it.

As a suggestion, Army paper people, a pamphlet on "Being a Love-Sick Army Bride" would've been helpful. I stupidly assumed that at some point I would get used to saying goodbye. That I would be more independent as I got older and wouldn't physically need my husband to be able to fully exhale. A little warning about becoming inseparable would've been great! Instead, we're coming up on 10 years together, and I can honestly say that I love that man more every day. And, because of the grace of God, he feels the same way about me. I like him--a lot! And wherever he's hanging out is where I want to be, thank you very much. Where is the pamphlet on that?
             
I guess it's still in the exploratory phase.

Along with other ones like,
  
"How to Sneak Onto An Overseas Military Base and Into Your Husband's Bunk" and,

"How to Get Your Physical Body Listed on Your Husband's Deployment Pack Out List."

So, how am I doing today? Eh. Not so great. If you call me on the phone, I'll sound crabby. The dishes will stay in the sink and I will not do laundry. In fact, I plan to sulk all day long and stay on the couch with my kids while they pick whatever they want to watch. We'll do that until we have a (more than likely) non-nutritious dinner which will be followed by an extremely long bedtime wind-down. There will be lots of questions about how long until he comes home, and tears because he read stories before bed last night and he can't tonight. It will take time to locate the perfect teddy bear, and they'll want water and tuck-ins before they finally give up for the night. Then, once they're asleep, I'll crawl into my bed with the shirt he wore last night that still smells like him as my teddy bear. And I'll put my head on his pillow where his outline can still be seen and cry myself to sleep.

 And tomorrow, life will move on.

 Even if I spend most of it thinking of ways to stow myself into a bag that's Micah-bound.